I lie wide awake at 4 in the morning, awoken by a nightmare that I can’t seem to shake. And the truth is, this isn’t the first time I’ve done so in the last week. I’m currently dealing with a wicked jet lag and a heavy weight of despair. After 14 months of travels around the world I intended to come back to visit a boy I’d met abroad, see my best friends and my sister. I planned to go to a summer festival to watch my favorite band play. I was also meant to be a staff leader for a summer camp serving children with serious illnesses. All of these things were the light at the end of my travels, and were things I had been looking forward to throughout the year. But in the blink of an eye, these plans have all disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
I’ve personally struggled with letting myself feel the immense sadness and emotions that come with all of these foregone plans and reunions. I’m healthy, able to move back in with my parents, and have a stocked home with food and comforts many don’t have. So why am I still feeling so sad? I’ve felt guilty for being selfish and concerned about what I’m missing out on when so much of the world is in worse pain. But the truth is, these emotions are natural and completely valid. Just because someone might be experiencing comparatively harsher situations due to this virus, that doesn’t mean my problems aren’t real and acceptable to cry over.
The truth is we’re all grieving right now – mourning the loss of a social life, the freedom to move and travel, and for all of the events and plans that have been cancelled during this chaotic time. All of this happened so suddenly with everyone left to process the bomb that exploded in our lives.
These feelings are complex – made more complicated by the news, social media and constant isolation. It feels like there’s two narratives that we’re forced to see daily – one being the frantic and scary news of this virus around the world, and the other being distraction posts meant to fill us with laughter or positive thoughts. Frankly neither of these have helped this colossal sorrow I’m feeling. If anything they’ve further grown this deep guilt I have inside for feeling this way.
But with all of the loss and grief I’ve had in my life, I’ve learned that it’s okay to cry and be sad. It’s okay to feel that the world is ending and to be upset about everything you’ve missed out on. It’s okay to be angry about your helplessness to do anything about it. These feelings are all natural and meant to be expressed and felt.
Just know that with all of this sadness there is a light somewhere. It may be hard to see now, but it will come. There will be an end to this craziness. There will be new plans in the future. You’ll see your friends and your loved ones soon. And if you need to cry or cuddle under the blankets for awhile to let it all out, that’s okay. I’m right there with you.
Stay well, friends.
